HAHA k settled. :) Decided to move to -drumroll- tadaaaa -points down-
http://dancelivelaughlovebreathe.wordpress.com
Yuppp. A new beginning and a new wordpress to start off everyth again will be good. Go follow me there! :)
Hiiiiiii, haven’t posted in here for a long while hahah.
Debating whether to move to another wordpress. So for now, I’ll be posting there first till I decide. :)
Priorities. :-)
Guys aren’t worth my time, must keep on reminding myself of that haha. And yup, Ben (aka my once closest confidant) is back. -rolls eyes- Fortunately or unfortunately, I’ve decided to kind of forgive him completely, it has been 2 months. I admit I was kinda disappointed plus really hurt when he started ignoring me plus wasn’t there for me when I was in one of my toughest times… But now I’ve learnt a lot and I kind of understand that some people won’t be there for you all the time.
I’m already healing. Whatever he says doesn’t affect me anymore, a tiny part of my heart will always be with him, because he broke down all my walls duh. But, for now it’s over and I’m so so glad hehe. We aren’t on talking terms atm, but… he has started commenting on my fb stuff. Here’s to being friends again. I’m sorry that I can’t believe/trust you completely ever again. But lets see how things turn out. :)
It’s ironic that I’m not talking to you anymore, but I’m still talking to your friends….. Plus you are out of my life already. & I still have to deal w the problems you create + the hurt you caused your friend. Like seriously? Lol oh well.
Anyway, just wanted to say that it’s funny how you think you can’t survive without having someone in your life, but time heals everything. You slowly accept it, get used to it and the wound gradually closes. All that’s left are scars. Memories. And somehow, somewhere along the way, you find that you are okay with it. You are okay with everything now. :-)
Weird huh? How I felt that I couldn’t survive without talking to you last time. How I felt I had to talk to you every single day and I missed you badly when I couldn’t talk to you. It all seems so foolish now. How I cried so hard when we drifted apart, tried so hard to salvage our friendship, how hopeless and depressed I felt when my efforts were for naught. How envious and annoyed I was at the people who was still in your life.
Maybe it’s good. Good that you started to ignore me because of schoolwork but yet managed to find the time to talk to others. Good that we drifted apart and you let me experience the pain all by myself. Good that you weren’t there when I needed you the most. Good that you were the one who caused me so much pain when you were the one who saved me and gave me strength. Good that I learnt how to cope with the pain by myself, even though one of your friends wanted to help me. Good that I experienced and went through that week of pain and horrible breakdowns everyday by myself.
I’ve become stronger. I did hate you for a while, you can’t blame me. But I’ve realised that I’m able to stand on my own two feet and cope with stuff myself. Maybe I feel really helpless sometimes without having anyone to tell everything and anything to. Hell yes, I do miss you, you are my close confidant after all. But I don’t miss the pain.
I’ve wondered when the day will come when I can finally think of you and not feel that affected anymore. And the day’s today. Maybe it’s because I’m in an okay mood now, but for now, let me savour the moment. The moment where I can tell people that I’m not in your life anymore and I’m kind of okay with it. I’m okay with everything now. I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t cry whenever I think of you anymore.
Yes, the memories are still there and they’ll forever be. I can’t change that. But I’ve learnt to cope with them. To accept that people won’t always be there for you. To accept that you can save yourself even though your lifebuoy has gone. You can be your own hero, if you choose to be. You thought that you weren’t strong, but in the end you’ll come out of everything stronger than before.
That’s life.
And maybe it’s hard now. To face life in the face and tell it that you can do it, you can take everything life throws at you. But at the end of it all, when you finally bid farewell to life, you know that you’ve done your best. You’ve survived. Lived, experienced, loved. And then you can leave with no regrets. :-)
And I thank God for bringing me through it all. The pain. Everything. He gave me strength and I’ll forever be grateful to Him for it. :-)
It’s time for me to walk away silently. It has gone on long enough. Lots of things have reminded me that I’ve really got to move on and to stop holding on to this friendship, when the other person doesn’t even try anymore. And I’m kind of feeling a bit awkward to say this… but I did fall for you for a little while, even though I knew you were batting for the same team. Thank goodness, I could still pull myself out, with the help of God, my friends who know about this, etc.
Not lying. I’ll miss you a hell lot, you’ve been there for one year, and you did what most people couldn’t do. You broke through all my walls in 2010, and in my darkest moments, you were there. You made me open up, and slowly to the people around me. In short, you kind of saved me when I was drowning. And I’m really grateful for that, I won’t forget what you did. :)
But everything’s different now, you will no longer be the one to save me. I’m going to be my own hero, and depend on God and myself for whatever. You won’t see this, but I’m just hoping that you’ve a good life, good friends, and don’t let people bring you down so easily, treat people more nicely like in the way you treated me. Treat your ex-bf that way please, he still can’t let go of you, he still can’t move on, he still loves you. Let him down easily.
Hopefully, closure for me please. This has gone on for far too long, I was in denial for the past few months. But now, I’m alr more than halfway to moving on though I still get reminded of you by so many little things. You’ve left a far too deep impact on my life. It won’t be easy, but God will help me. :)
And I will help myself.
Lying to myself tryin’a act like I don’t care
The way it’s killing me every time
That you’re not there
Coz I get weak
I’m giving it all away
I know it’s not wise to leave myself so open but
All the rules get broken in your eyes
I give it all up to you
And everything that’s been keeping me together
Brings me to my knees
I get weak
I get weak
And all the walls I’ve been building up
Crack and then break when you’re around
I get weak
Nothing I do to fight it matter now
Goodbye. Take care. I love you, bro.
@7.56pm.
It’s happening all over again huh? Around the same time too last year. Yet another new trial to face as I reach 17 in 5 days. Are all these to mock me? To tell me that nothing will ever be alright? To tell me that I’m stupid and silly to hope that everything will be okay? No wonder, that sense of foreboding came this morning, and I felt really upset but I didn’t know why.
I don’t know anymore. 3 weeks ago, my heart shattered when I said goodbye. By some miracle, it glued itself back together when everything became okay again and there I stood, heart healed, albeit with some scars. I’m finally okay. I finally stopped crying everyday. And just yesterday, I was happy, I felt really free and happy to be free of the crying.
And now this comes. Now what? I’m lost. I admit I’m really shaken up by this because everything’s repeating again. My nightmare. Everything. The one that completely broke the innocent, happy girl 2 years ago and clammed her up unknowingly. Till someone arrived last year and made her open up slowly, and to the people around her. Yes, she felt vulnerable when she opened up to her friends, even her closest ones. But she was getting used to it. Then she met her class this year, and unconsciously, they opened her up more.
C’est la vie. This is my life. And this is reality.
All I want to do is to run away
But yet I know I’ve to find the strength to stay
The tears roll down
The walls are back
The lights in the distance are sparkling
And as I stand in the dark gazing
My feet wants to bring me flying
But I held back
Because I know I’m needed
I’m no longer that girl
She was torn apart
And she broke down
Didn’t get up
I don’t wanna be saved
Because I know I’ve to be my hero
I want so much to be saved
But I know I’ve to be the one to get up
Wash the tears away
Hold my head high
Against the world today
Though every tear I cry
Makes my heart become a little colder
Make me yearn to leave my life behind
To let everything go and fly
But that girl you see now
Will try her best to stay
To live for the people
Who care for her today
Someday, I’ll find a voice for all these words that spilled out just now.
@3.48am.
6 June. 2 months 5 days since I last posted. Haha it’s been a while. :) Bet no one reads this anymore. :P
Sigh, so many things have changed that I don’t really know where to start. Was scrolling through my past posts, emo as usual, certain ones reflective. Hmm I don’t know whether I’m still the same girl as I was, 2 months ago… It’s been a while, and many things happen, some beyond my expectations. One thing holds though. I’ve still grown stronger through it all, the bad moments, the sad moments.
I guess, if I came here to write a post 3 weeks ago, it’ll be really depressing plus on the verge of giving up on life. Was quite torn up during that period. Well, you can’t blame me, can you? Someone just barged into my life, destroyed/fragmented my close friendship w my confidant – my best guy friend online and poof, everything went topsy-turvy and became messed up. Because I was naive and believed you, and I wanted him to be happy again. You were the first person I couldn’t instantly forgive. It took a while, 2 weeks to forgive you. For messing everything up, for taking away the person who saved me and opened me up from June 2010. The one who broke down my walls, the one who was there when I was at one of my darkest moments, the one who helped me get through all the family drama last year.
Maybe I should thank you? I don’t know too, tbh. Sigh, I just know that the friendship between my confidant and I can never be the same again. That we are drifting away and I don’t think anything can be done about it anymore. On the brighter side, I’ve learnt how to cope on my own. To depend on myself. To stand up again, wipe away my own tears and to deal w my own troubles. Maybe it isn’t really healthy… because I’ve no one to tell everything to now. And that the week after all these happened was hell. Couldn’t control my emotions at school; I lost control quite a few times. Driven crazy from all the little triggers and memories and that huge rollercoaster Friday when I really really broke down loudly in the school toilet.
Sigh it did me good though. I’m better now, I’m slowly moving on, slowly healing. And proud to say that I’ve almost fully moved on. I still feel kind of sorry for you, I guess… You are still stuck in that vicious cycle, I tried to help… but if a person doesn’t wanna give up, the whole world can’t do anything about it.
Oops. 4.02am alrrrr. Anyway, school’s been busy. I need to get everything together soon. :/ Yup.
And I’ve to thank God for helping me get through everything. :) For sending me awesome classmates from 5C23 to get me through, friends to care even though they don’t really know what’s going on, for all the little moments, the seemingly insignificant ones that get me through life. The moments that make me realise there’s still hope out there in the big, wide world. And to think that today, whilst procrastinating and being bored plus trolling a bit on a certain website, I met a kindred soul who kind of feels the same way over certain issues. I don’t know haha, still kind of feel that that person’s God-sent, and to make me realise certain stuff I didn’t really realise before. :)
Sigh, looking at my dad sleeping on the sofa waiting up for me… I feel blessed that I’ve my family at my side :)
Mhmm, time to wake my dad up, pack my bag and sleep. 4.08am and tomorrow’s a long day. :(
<3
– belle. :)
@1.03pm
I’m not the same girl people knew in the past. I’m not the same girl as when y’all first knew me.
I’ve become a teeny bit stronger but more broken, more bruised. Everything hurts and I know it’s affecting me psychologically, even though I’ve tried my best to fight it. I’m on the verge of giving up for good. It’s my own life though, and I can’t chooose to end it because I wish to.
My dad is strong but deep down, he has many tears in his heart too. Once, a few years back, I thought I was the only one who went through that. How foolish and ignorant I was then. In truth, everyone went through it. And we are all still going through it now.
I can’t blame my mum for anything even if she’s the one causing us everything now. Talking to my dad earlier made me realise that. He asked me if I wanted to see her go through that period again. I don’t. 9 years ago, and I still remember it so vividly. I don’t want anyone of us to go through that again. It was torture, watching someone you love become someone you don’t recognise anymore. I don’t want that.
I want back those happy, carefree times, but it’s not possible. Because time does not wait. Time does not rewind.
I’ve got to be strong for my younger sis and alongside my dad, even if all I really want to do is to give up. It’s hard, but what’s hard will make you harder and stronger right?
I’ve learnt that sometimes, your friends won’t ever know what you go through (because you can’t tell them. And I apologise for that), but sometimes they do help, just by existing or being there or doing stuff to show that they still care and that you are so silly to even have those doubts.
I’m not sure whether I’ll get out of it alive… today. But I’ll probably will, even if I’m wounded.
Dear God, I’m not asking you to make things alright, because I know things will not be alright yet. But please. Please give my younger sis, Dad and I strength to go through everything. And my Mum too.
I haven’t came here in a long while. … They changed the font. Now the HTML’s part is Georgia, guess I’ve to type here then.
Main point is: We’ve drifted away.
Or maybe it’s just that I’ve drifted away from y’all without noticing it… is it?
Give me an answer. Don’t leave me hanging. I still regard all of you as bffs/close friends, yknow. Even if the answer hurts, just reply.
I’m tired of crying and trying. And as I read the post below, posted 2 months back with the quote “Appreciate and love all the people by your side, before one day it gets too late and you don’t even get to see them anymore.”
Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. I don’t know anymore.
@12.42am.
I guess I owe a post here. Been somewhere else for too long. But for now, beware lol. The post below is really long. And it’s going to be about some stuff I was scared to share before. But I’m not afraid now. :)
Sigh I don’t know where to start. Start with the depressing ones or the happy ones or vice versa? Guess I’ll start with the more depressing ones first.
I’ve never really experienced how it feels to lose someone I’ve interacted before, or someone I’ve known and talked with at least once. It’s been 1 month and we just heard the news today. I was really shocked, but I didn’t let my emotions show, as usual. I kind of had a feeling though, call it a premonition maybe? ‘Cuz we didn’t see you the year after that.
It’s been 3 years since my sis and I met you during the party on Christmas Eve… when I was Sec 2. When we first met, we all just went on the swings. And talked and sang Christmas songs and other songs and we three just talked and talked. I could tell you were lonely, because you didn’t have kids and you were kind of forced into marriage with your husband. But regardless, you treated us as if we were your own kids that day, talking, laughing and singing and swinging with us.
I know I promised myself not to cry anymore but I don’t know why I’m crying now. I don’t know whether I’m crying over your death or crying over the fact that life and death can be so scary. At that time, when we had to go and said goodbye and to see you next year, we didn’t expect that our meeting that day would be the first and the last.
So RIP, kind and mysterious lady. I hope you are happy up in heaven. Thank you for touching our lives that day.
Why is life so fragile? We can die at any moment, any day and that thought is kind of scary.
And yet sometimes, we still wish for death, wish for it so that everything can disappear and we won’t feel any more pain and hurt. Sigh.
Going to try to live my life to the fullest. And not let anyone or anything get me down.
And for a fact, to rebuke one of my classmates’ response when I told her I wanted to boycott boys, she said boys are very important. I’m inclined to disagree.
They are only important if you perceive them to be so. For me, chasing after guys ain’t really my thing lol. It’s more like silently admiring ‘em from afar and the max only eye-contact or waves. Which is why I prolly won’t find any guy to love me for who I am. But I digress.
So yeah. There are a number of things more important to me. Like God. Like my family. My bffs. My best guy friend B. Etc. Guys aren’t so important to the point that they signify the end of your life when you get disappointed, which is why I’m not going to care about J anymore. If he replies, then he will. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. :)
Anyway, church was beautiful as always. :D
Maybe it’s partially true… but I feel that it’s not just that. It’s the fact that you have enough faith to believe in the unseen, to believe in miracles, to believe that God is always there for you, and that you’ll never be alone. To feel that life is so much more than the daily mundane things we do, or our worries, our obstacles. To feel that life actually has a purpose. We don’t only exist/live because of ourselves.
I live, because God created me. If He didn’t do that, I wouldn’t even be sitting here typing this, wouldn’t even be on this Earth.
And the priests are so cute haha. When they went down to sprinkle holy water on us, Fr Edward came by our side, but I only felt a little. Then Fr Albert went down the other side, which is like one entire row away from us, like a few metres. But yet he sprinkled it with such force that we were drenched. HAHA I really felt so many drops of water and the back of my head get totally splashed
And Fr Albert went back and then sprinkled each altar boy individually haha. Then he went up to some of them and rly sprinkled directly in their faces, which made my family and a few others in the congregation laugh non-stop. (Y) And then the ending part too haha. Too cute. Really love my parish church, Church of the Holy Trinity ^^
Okay, that’s about all I wanted to say. And it’s 1am right now, so accurate o.o But I’ve to add one last thing. I’m glad I chose to write about the depressing stuff first, then the happier ones. :D If not, I’ll prolly be sitting here crying instead of feeling better about things.
K one more last thing to end, its the last I promise! Live, laugh, love. Cherish every moment, heck, LIVE FOR THE MOMENTS. Lol, all these sound so cliche but they’re true. And appreciate and love all the people by your side, before one day it gets too late and you don’t even get to see them anymore.
| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |
| 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |
| 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 |
| 29 | 30 | |||||
虽然自己有很多话要说，但这些话可能永远说不出。 