自己对生活的感想

It’s ironic that I’m not talking to you anymore, but I’m still talking to your friends….. Plus you are out of my life already. & I still have to deal w the problems you create + the hurt you caused your friend. Like seriously? Lol oh well.

Anyway, just wanted to say that it’s funny how you think you can’t survive without having someone in your life, but time heals everything. You slowly accept it, get used to it and the wound gradually closes. All that’s left are scars. Memories. And somehow, somewhere along the way, you find that you are okay with it. You are okay with everything now. :-)

Weird huh? How I felt that I couldn’t survive without talking to you last time. How I felt I had to talk to you every single day and I missed you badly when I couldn’t talk to you. It all seems so foolish now. How I cried so hard when we drifted apart, tried so hard to salvage our friendship, how hopeless and depressed I felt when my efforts were for naught. How envious and annoyed I was at the people who was still in your life.

Maybe it’s good. Good that you started to ignore me because of schoolwork but yet managed to find the time to talk to others. Good that we drifted apart and you let me experience the pain all by myself. Good that you weren’t there when I needed you the most. Good that you were the one who caused me so much pain when you were the one who saved me and gave me strength. Good that I learnt how to cope with the pain by myself, even though one of your friends wanted to help me. Good that I experienced and went through that week of pain and horrible breakdowns everyday by myself.

I’ve become stronger. I did hate you for a while, you can’t blame me. But I’ve realised that I’m able to stand on my own two feet and cope with stuff myself. Maybe I feel really helpless sometimes without having anyone to tell everything and anything to. Hell yes, I do miss you, you are my close confidant after all. But I don’t miss the pain.

I’ve wondered when the day will come when I can finally think of you and not feel that affected anymore. And the day’s today. Maybe it’s because I’m in an okay mood now, but for now, let me savour the moment. The moment where I can tell people that I’m not in your life anymore and I’m kind of okay with it. I’m okay with everything now. I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t cry whenever I think of you anymore.

Yes, the memories are still there and they’ll forever be. I can’t change that. But I’ve learnt to cope with them. To accept that people won’t always be there for you. To accept that you can save yourself even though your lifebuoy has gone. You can be your own hero, if you choose to be. You thought that you weren’t strong, but in the end you’ll come out of everything stronger than before.

That’s life.

And maybe it’s hard now. To face life in the face and tell it that you can do it, you can take everything life throws at you. But at the end of it all, when you finally bid farewell to life, you know that you’ve done your best. You’ve survived. Lived, experienced, loved. And then you can leave with no regrets. :-)

And I thank God for bringing me through it all. The pain. Everything. He gave me strength and I’ll forever be grateful to Him for it. :-)

@9.46pm.

Although I kind of regret not choosing another CCA sometimes :/ But I’m rather happy now with my current one.

Though it isn’t really bonded, we don’t really meet up, but I can fulfill my passion there. :) The love for writing.

The way you feel the words flow out of your thoughts, the way you are able to put thoughts on paper, the way you are able to learn more about people, about the world, about you.

Sigh, about the issue of T3A…. I don’t know though. Should I run for committee? I wish I wasn’t so scared of interviews ._. Scared that I can’t answer those questions. But if I’ve lived through a nerve-racking guitar audition and several nerve-racking days before that, I can do this too right?

Need to manage my time better. Need to stop getting distracted. I’ve removed people from my life, or rather a certain person. It hurts, but I’d rather have the pain of not having said goodbye properly, not giving you an explanation and suddenly removing you from my life, than the constant plaguing thoughts about you and the fragile balance of the whole situation. I’m sad to lose a good friend though. And though people think it’s wrong that I’m doing it this way, it’s my own way and I don’t need your approval lol. My choice. And I’ll deal with the regrets myself.

C’est la vie. So imma hold my head up high, blink the tears away and say goodbye. :) Live well k, though you won’t see this, I know.

Now for work.

@2.02am.

Head hurts like hell atm. ._. I should prolly go sleep soon :( Haha :x Anw, ignore the last post o.o >< yikes lol.

Orientation was okay, I guess :) got to know my class better etc. :D Last day ftw the most though (Y) Didn’t know that we all could have wild sides :p Including myself :O Maybe it didn’t come out as often as it did during the past 2 years, but still haha. Kind of surprised but still rather relieved it’s still there.

K THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. LOL.

Anw clubbing ftw :) Addicted to all the songs and dances :)

Sigh. Official lessons start on mon… Timetable a bit nice. -.- Really. Oh well :/ Scared too ._. >< Wonder how it’ll all go :( Lessons, exams and all that…

Addicted to songs atm. Especially this remix by New Edition. Link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pH00rmWOTtU&feature=related

Yup, it shows scenes from the anime Myself; Yourself though which is awesome :) Addicted to that song <3 Has been on replay for almost the whole day heh. It’s just so catchy and awesome. Was trying to resist listening to the mass dance songs just now, ‘cuz I really felt this strong urge to dance when I start listening to ’em :x

Still lots of hw undone oops. I should really go do it ><

And yknow sometimes, people aren’t really what you perceive ’em to be. Deep down, everyone needs someone to be there for them, no matter how badass they seem to be or how strong they look or how happy and outgoing they are. ‘Cuz sometimes, it’s way easier to just hide everything beneath a cheerful and happy exterior, when actually you are dying and being torn apart inside.

Yupyup haha. Oh random talks ftw. <3 Haha, esp. to a person you just got to know recently. Somehow, it just cheers me up whenever someone that comes into MH chat is sg-rean :D LOL.

I’ve been thinking… actually no, moping to be exact >< Like I was wondering what I’m going to do with my life. Heck, I don’t even know what I want to be in the future… :/ Really admire those people who know what they want to be. Much much easier and they’ve got a clear direction.

And sometimes, I wish I was more outgoing/brave/sociable, and be able to talk easily to people and not be so awkward and insecure sometimes. Damn sad seriously. :( >< But at least it’s better than when I was in sec 1, I guess. But yea, sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much about what people thought of me, actually no, not really o.O It just came back recently, esp. with the change in class environment etc. >< Not used to change, and insecurities returning. Damn. x.x I’m retreating more too, back into my shell and becoming more anti-social GG. -.- Didn’t talk much/laugh much nowadays… except with my group of friends lol. I really miss 4J omg :( Zijun, Shuqi, Xiaojun, Shihui etc :/ Really miss ’em a lot…

真的，失去了，才懂得真正地珍惜。Hahah oh well. :O

Eh this post became rather long o.o OOPS. Haha, no one reads this anw, since I haven’t updated for quite long :D I hope. -cross fingers-

Just that… I really really hope I won’t be that lost, that I will be able to find my direction soon. What I want to be, and what I really want in my life etc. My priorities. The people who I care for. Try to adapt to my new class environment. Stop being so insecure and learn to accept myself and all my flaws :) And not to care about what other people think about whatever I do.

And most importantly, stay happy :) Make impacts in people’s lives. For the people around me to be happy too. For everything to be alright. For myself to be stronger, not to think so much about the past. And don’t get into anything now that I’ve moved on from everything finally. :D

Gosh, I feel so much better. Should have typed this sooner huh. -.- Heh.

Time really flies. From a crying, timid toddler @ Nursery and K1 to a-bit-more-mature and outgoing K2. From an outgoing and unafraid P1 to a bit more aware and terrified, yet excited that she was growing up and graduating P6. From a still timid, shy, a little unknowing Sec 1, to a much more aware Sec 2, to an even more aware and not that innocent, yet still shy and quiet around new people Sec 3 to a more corrupted, loud-laughing, teasing others, much more mature and seeing the world through clearer eyes Sec 4. Which isn’t that good, since I tend to overthink more and realise that the world isn’t as kind as I thought it was. But still yup :) And a listener since Sec 1 onwards lol and became more aware/sensitive to other people.

Kind of ironic actually since whatever advice I give others don’t work for me/doesn’t have any effect on me. Damn fail hahaha.

Okay… if I don’t stop, its gotta reach 900 or 1k o.o Yikes haha.

Ciao. :)