Back home; closure.

@3.48am.

6 June. 2 months 5 days since I last posted. Haha it’s been a while. :) Bet no one reads this anymore. :P

Sigh, so many things have changed that I don’t really know where to start. Was scrolling through my past posts, emo as usual, certain ones reflective. Hmm I don’t know whether I’m still the same girl as I was, 2 months ago… It’s been a while, and many things happen, some beyond my expectations. One thing holds though. I’ve still grown stronger through it all, the bad moments, the sad moments.

I guess, if I came here to write a post 3 weeks ago, it’ll be really depressing plus on the verge of giving up on life. Was quite torn up during that period. Well, you can’t blame me, can you? Someone just barged into my life, destroyed/fragmented my close friendship w my confidant – my best guy friend online and poof, everything went topsy-turvy and became messed up. Because I was naive and believed you, and I wanted him to be happy again. You were the first person I couldn’t instantly forgive. It took a while, 2 weeks to forgive you. For messing everything up, for taking away the person who saved me and opened me up from June 2010. The one who broke down my walls, the one who was there when I was at one of my darkest moments, the one who helped me get through all the family drama last year.

Maybe I should thank you? I don’t know too, tbh. Sigh, I just know that the friendship between my confidant and I can never be the same again. That we are drifting away and I don’t think anything can be done about it anymore. On the brighter side, I’ve learnt how to cope on my own. To depend on myself. To stand up again, wipe away my own tears and to deal w my own troubles. Maybe it isn’t really healthy… because I’ve no one to tell everything to now. And that the week after all these happened was hell. Couldn’t control my emotions at school; I lost control quite a few times. Driven crazy from all the little triggers and memories and that huge rollercoaster Friday when I really really broke down loudly in the school toilet.

Sigh it did me good though. I’m better now, I’m slowly moving on, slowly healing. And proud to say that I’ve almost fully moved on. I still feel kind of sorry for you, I guess… You are still stuck in that vicious cycle, I tried to help… but if a person doesn’t wanna give up, the whole world can’t do anything about it.

Oops. 4.02am alrrrr. Anyway, school’s been busy. I need to get everything together soon. :/ Yup.

And I’ve to thank God for helping me get through everything. :) For sending me awesome classmates from 5C23 to get me through, friends to care even though they don’t really know what’s going on, for all the little moments, the seemingly insignificant ones that get me through life. The moments that make me realise there’s still hope out there in the big, wide world. And to think that today, whilst procrastinating and being bored plus trolling a bit on a certain website, I met a kindred soul who kind of feels the same way over certain issues. I don’t know haha, still kind of feel that that person’s God-sent, and to make me realise certain stuff I didn’t really realise before. :)

Sigh, looking at my dad sleeping on the sofa waiting up for me… I feel blessed that I’ve my family at my side :)

Mhmm, time to wake my dad up, pack my bag and sleep. 4.08am and tomorrow’s a long day. :(

<3

– belle. :)

2011

08/11

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