Archive for the ‘ Reflections ’ Category

Back home; closure.

@3.48am.

6 June. 2 months 5 days since I last posted. Haha it’s been a while. :) Bet no one reads this anymore. :P

Sigh, so many things have changed that I don’t really know where to start. Was scrolling through my past posts, emo as usual, certain ones reflective. Hmm I don’t know whether I’m still the same girl as I was, 2 months ago… It’s been a while, and many things happen, some beyond my expectations. One thing holds though. I’ve still grown stronger through it all, the bad moments, the sad moments.

I guess, if I came here to write a post 3 weeks ago, it’ll be really depressing plus on the verge of giving up on life. Was quite torn up during that period. Well, you can’t blame me, can you? Someone just barged into my life, destroyed/fragmented my close friendship w my confidant – my best guy friend online and poof, everything went topsy-turvy and became messed up. Because I was naive and believed you, and I wanted him to be happy again. You were the first person I couldn’t instantly forgive. It took a while, 2 weeks to forgive you. For messing everything up, for taking away the person who saved me and opened me up from June 2010. The one who broke down my walls, the one who was there when I was at one of my darkest moments, the one who helped me get through all the family drama last year.

Maybe I should thank you? I don’t know too, tbh. Sigh, I just know that the friendship between my confidant and I can never be the same again. That we are drifting away and I don’t think anything can be done about it anymore. On the brighter side, I’ve learnt how to cope on my own. To depend on myself. To stand up again, wipe away my own tears and to deal w my own troubles. Maybe it isn’t really healthy… because I’ve no one to tell everything to now. And that the week after all these happened was hell. Couldn’t control my emotions at school; I lost control quite a few times. Driven crazy from all the little triggers and memories and that huge rollercoaster Friday when I really really broke down loudly in the school toilet.

Sigh it did me good though. I’m better now, I’m slowly moving on, slowly healing. And proud to say that I’ve almost fully moved on. I still feel kind of sorry for you, I guess… You are still stuck in that vicious cycle, I tried to help… but if a person doesn’t wanna give up, the whole world can’t do anything about it.

Oops. 4.02am alrrrr. Anyway, school’s been busy. I need to get everything together soon. :/ Yup.

And I’ve to thank God for helping me get through everything. :) For sending me awesome classmates from 5C23 to get me through, friends to care even though they don’t really know what’s going on, for all the little moments, the seemingly insignificant ones that get me through life. The moments that make me realise there’s still hope out there in the big, wide world. And to think that today, whilst procrastinating and being bored plus trolling a bit on a certain website, I met a kindred soul who kind of feels the same way over certain issues. I don’t know haha, still kind of feel that that person’s God-sent, and to make me realise certain stuff I didn’t really realise before. :)

Sigh, looking at my dad sleeping on the sofa waiting up for me… I feel blessed that I’ve my family at my side :)

Mhmm, time to wake my dad up, pack my bag and sleep. 4.08am and tomorrow’s a long day. :(

<3

– belle. :)

2011
08/11
CATEGORY
Life's little miracles
Reflections
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Life;

@12.42am.

I guess I owe a post here. Been somewhere else for too long. But for now, beware lol. The post below is really long. And it’s going to be about some stuff I was scared to share before. But I’m not afraid now. :)

Sigh I don’t know where to start. Start with the depressing ones or the happy ones or vice versa? Guess I’ll start with the more depressing ones first.

I’ve never really experienced how it feels to lose someone I’ve interacted before, or someone I’ve known and talked with at least once. It’s been 1 month and we just heard the news today. I was really shocked, but I didn’t let my emotions show, as usual. I kind of had a feeling though, call it a premonition maybe? ‘Cuz we didn’t see you the year after that.

It’s been 3 years since my sis and I met you during the party on Christmas Eve… when I was Sec 2. When we first met, we all just went on the swings. And talked and sang Christmas songs and other songs and we three just talked and talked. I could tell you were lonely, because you didn’t have kids and you were kind of forced into marriage with your husband. But regardless, you treated us as if we were your own kids that day, talking, laughing and singing and swinging with us.

I know I promised myself not to cry anymore but I don’t know why I’m crying now. I don’t know whether I’m crying over your death or crying over the fact that life and death can be so scary. At that time, when we had to go and said goodbye and to see you next year, we didn’t expect that our meeting that day would be the first and the last.

So RIP, kind and mysterious lady. I hope you are happy up in heaven. Thank you for touching our lives that day.

Why is life so fragile? We can die at any moment, any day and that thought is kind of scary.

And yet sometimes, we still wish for death, wish for it so that everything can disappear and we won’t feel any more pain and hurt. Sigh.

Going to try to live my life to the fullest. And not let anyone or anything get me down.

And for a fact, to rebuke one of my classmates’ response when I told her I wanted to boycott boys, she said boys are very important. I’m inclined to disagree.

They are only important if you perceive them to be so. For me, chasing after guys ain’t really my thing lol. It’s more like silently admiring ‘em from afar and the max only eye-contact or waves. Which is why I prolly won’t find any guy to love me for who I am. But I digress.

So yeah. There are a number of things more important to me. Like God. Like my family. My bffs. My best guy friend B. Etc. Guys aren’t so important to the point that they signify the end of your life when you get disappointed, which is why I’m not going to care about J anymore. If he replies, then he will. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. :)

Anyway, church was beautiful as always. :D

Maybe it’s partially true… but I feel that it’s not just that. It’s the fact that you have enough faith to believe in the unseen, to believe in miracles, to believe that God is always there for you, and that you’ll never be alone. To feel that life is so much more than the daily mundane things we do, or our worries, our obstacles. To feel that life actually has a purpose. We don’t only exist/live because of ourselves.

I live, because God created me. If He didn’t do that, I wouldn’t even be sitting here typing this, wouldn’t even be on this Earth.

And the priests are so cute haha. When they went down to sprinkle holy water on us, Fr Edward came by our side, but I only felt a little. Then Fr Albert went down the other side, which is like one entire row away from us, like a few metres. But yet he sprinkled it with such force that we were drenched. HAHA I really felt so many drops of water and the back of my head get totally splashed

And Fr Albert went back and then sprinkled each altar boy individually haha. Then he went up to some of them and rly sprinkled directly in their faces, which made my family and a few others in the congregation laugh non-stop. (Y) And then the ending part too haha. Too cute. Really love my parish church, Church of the Holy Trinity ^^

Okay, that’s about all I wanted to say. And it’s 1am right now, so accurate o.o But I’ve to add one last thing. I’m glad I chose to write about the depressing stuff first, then the happier ones. :D If not, I’ll prolly be sitting here crying instead of feeling better about things.

K one more last thing to end, its the last I promise! Live, laugh, love. Cherish every moment, heck, LIVE FOR THE MOMENTS. Lol, all these sound so cliche but they’re true. And appreciate and love all the people by your side, before one day it gets too late and you don’t even get to see them anymore.

2011
04/24
CATEGORY
Heart-to-heart; heartfelt; pure truth; unedited.
Reflections
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“What about humanity gives you hope?”

@10.24pm.

And now I’m sitting here, crying my heart out. For some reason, my mood just went down. And I’m once again retreating to where I always turned to. My writing place. This place.

My dad isn’t home from work yet, ‘cuz he had to turn back to his workplace when halfway home just now. My mum is tired and cranky and I don’t blame her. She said that this home doesn’t seem like a home anymore, not like last time where my dad always came home at a reasonable hour and how we were happy together, despite financial stuff. And I don’t know. Those words just triggered the avalanche of tears. I wanted to tell her, that that’s the price of reality, the price of earning more, the price of free will.

I’m confused. I’m tired. I’m doubtful. I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t know who I can truly tell everything to. I can name a few though. B, PS, SQ. But the point is… I can’t tell anyone everything. Well, B’s pretty darn close to it, but then again, what you said is true. I don’t really know you, you can’t touch me, I don’t see you around everyday. And maybe, that’s the reason. I don’t know.

K on to another thing I’ve been wanting to write about. B asked a simple, yet powerful question just an hour ago. “What about humanity gives you hope?”

My answer at that time was: Simple things GMH, like when I’m talking to close friends about stuff, seeing people help other people, the innocence of children, the rain, my family, even though they rly upset me sometimes. Seeing people stay strong despite facing disasters and whatnot. Knowing that I’m not perfect and that I’ll never be, but yet God will accept me the way I am. Seeing that citizens of certain countries can break past the things they used to have to conform to. Seeing the people around me and esp. those i care about, safe and warm and healthy. Seeing people fighting impossible battles and achieving beyond what everyone expects ’em to. The list goes on.

It’s true. Music GMH. The imperfections, the sad moments, the moments where you feel like there’s no hope, the disappointments, the obstacles. They all serve to intensify the hope you feel, after overcoming all these. Granted, these moments happen almost all the time. But somehow, when you least expect it, people and things appear, unconsciously making everything better, allowing you hope that maybe everything’ll be better one day.

Ahah damn, the tears started up again. And now, the counter-argument.

“What about humanity that puts you down, what about it that makes you feel like there’s no hope for mankind and wonder why you still exist and why you aren’t living?”

Simple. Certain ways of the world. The skewed perspectives. The biased, assuming perceptions of certain issues.

The way grades are forever going to cast a shadow over us. A shadow you can’t erase. The standard that people’s going to judge you by. The school you are in; the elite school or the neighbourhood schools. Today, one of my friends said a simple comment, I’m not sure whether she meant it seriously, but still, it did have some impact on me. Aren’t the people in neighbourhood schools/the elite schools still the same? Well, granted, the intellect, facilities and standard may be different. But aren’t they the same as us? They are able to achieve what sometimes we can’t even achieve.

The way money is forever going to control the world. Control our lives. Control our daily activities. Because ultimately, we all still need money to buy our necessities and to survive.

The way people view homosexuals/bisexuals, etc. Aren’t they humans, like the rest of us? Aren’t they s’posed to have the right to love whoever they want, like us? Why do people ostracize or avoid them at all costs and be afraid of ’em? I don’t get why.

Regardless, though the world seems hopeless sometimes, I guess there’s still a shred of hope in all of us, deep down.

And the tears have dried. Plus my earphones are now blasting the clean version of Perfect by Pink; it’s on repeat. Time to drown myself in my work.

Oh btw, no offence to anyone I’ve offended unconsciously, somehow. Just some discussions or rather talks with B, plus my close friend, plus some of my classmates that brought everything out today. Yea, all those issues written above somehow came out in the talks I had with the people today. This took exactly half an hour. O.O

K bye.

2011
03/21
CATEGORY
Heart-to-heart; heartfelt; pure truth; unedited.
Musings; ramblings
Reflections
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